Knowing and Realizing

Have you ever known something only to realize it later?

Like you know the swimming pool is cold, but you don't realize it until you jump in and feel the freezing water all over your body. Or like my youth leader Raegan said years ago... you know that Jesus made a great sacrifice to invite us into a relationship with Him, but it isn't until you realize what that sacrifice really means that it truly changes your life.

I knew, almost a year ago now, that going to law school would be hard. I knew I would have to give up the time I've invested and cherished in ministry, family, and friends. I knew it would be lonely. I even cried when I told Christian and Lisa that I was taking steps in this direction because I KNEW it would require great sacrifice.

Well, friends, I have known for a long time what this experience would be like, but I have finally realized it. And I will likely realize it over and over during the next four years. Two weeks ago during church I had a mini-meltdown, mostly consisting of lots of tears and prayers, but it was good! I looked this seemingly impossible task in the face and gave it to my Lord.

This is what I've known and finally realized... I can't do it on my own. Funny, how even when given the Truth I forget so easily. Paul said "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." (1 Cor. 1:25) Why do I continually attempt to trust in my own strength, when God has told me that my weakness, trusted to Him, is more powerful? I'm so thankful for His patience and persistent grace!!

I hold on to this promise from Jesus: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9) At least once a week I have had to pray specifically for strength and grace. I have to do things I don't want to do all the time now (like study, read, go without sleep) and I don't get to do things I want to do (watch movies, spend time with friends, sleep)... it's actually great practice in dying to myself, something Jesus called me to anyway. I hope and pray that this practice in dying to myself will ultimately give way to opportunities to die to myself for things that matter more than being prepared for classes and exams.

This experience has also granted me a double dose of humility. Not only because I said "um" for almost a minute straight the first time I was called on in civil procedure (don't worry, it ended better than it started!) and not simply on the grounds that I drag a dorky roller bag all over the law quad. I have experienced humility in struggling through understanding legal concepts, in crying more frequently, in begging for the prayers of others.

I'm realizing this all sounds super depressing, but it's not!! What an opportunity for cleansing and rejuvenation this is!!! How many times do I willingly allow God to come in and make me more dependant on Him?? (answer: never!) This is a hard transition, for sure, but I am so thankful for it and wouldn't have it any other way!

In other exciting news... God perfectly provided for the financial needs I experienced during this last month due to unexpected expenses that came up with starting school! Just ask if you want the whole story (in my opinion it was truly a miracle!). And things with Project Duncanville are progressing better than I expected... we now have a volunteer coordinator who will be working for free until we have secured funding and we will begin utilizing the Project Duncanville House starting in October!

My favorite new legalize word so far: sequestration, the act of removing, separating or seizing anything from the possession of its owner under process of law for the benefit of creditors or the state.

And, just for fun, an idea of what my books look like after I'm through with them!