When I was little my favorite game was "play pretend." I put on ridiculously-fitting dresses and outfits my mom had saved from her high school and college years and I pretended to be someone else. When I was very convincing (and possibly manipulative) I would dress my brother up too. We always pretended to be someone we were not. It is a common game that, I am discovering, I have not quite grown out of.
These feelings and even the outfits they put on are all hanging out inside of me.
My recent observations of myself have been interesting as I attempt to be a participant-observer of my own life. What I see is always humbling. Lately I've seen myself late to work more, check my facebook more, and play more brickbreaker on my blackberry than any person should, especially when balancing a full-time job and law school! I have also noticed that I lack confidence in my abilities and don't always feel competent enough to do what I need to do well. I have seen my fear of failure make a tent out of laziness and hide in it, only coming for a brief appearance at critical deadlines. I keep wondering if I felt more confident maybe I would approach life and work and school with more vibrancy instead of hiding under the covers.
I've also become more aware of an issue I've had my whole life: insecurity masquerading as superiority. I've always been shy (believe it or not!). I've always cared too much about what others think of me and about having approval of those around me. More than many times I have compensated for this crippling and awkward fear by talking about myself and all my "great accomplishments." I'll always have the first week of 6th grade burned in my memory, starting at a new school meeting my classmates and earning the "bragger" title because my insecurity gave way to me telling everyone about how amazing my trip to Space Camp was (great accomplishment indeed!). Even recently, I've watched myself hold back from kindness and talk more about myself, and it's more severe the more insecure I feel!
It is definitely humbling to realize these things, but supposedly self-awareness is the first step towards change. I hope that now, after identifying these costumes my fears like to play pretend in, I can recognize them sooner and throw them out of my life.
What kind of costumes do your fears and insecurities put on?
3 comments:
I've put off the hard things in the name of " I can't" do that. I've been the clown so often to mask insecurities. I've have learning disabilities and I always felt stupid through school and that attitude bled into so many others areas.
I struggle with feeling sufficient enough for any kind of service to God. However since I joined a really Godly church....God has placed encouragers in my life. I have a long way to go but God has grown me so much.
I can remember I once turned down a youth pastor internship because I felt unqualified and stupid. I avoided being a leader on my insecurities. Now God has let me be a life group leader with my wife, I am on a men's ministry leadership team, and the door is opening to lead a youth "cell" group. Not tooting my own horn...the Glory goes to God. Because my flesh is constantly screaming at me to quit and hide like I did in the past. "Greater is He."
Thanks for an honest post once again Sarah. I get encouragement by your blogs.
Wow. So much covered in this writing. First of all, I will say from personal experience, it is true that recognizing a problem truly is the first step toward correcting it. I remember when I first realized that I was using a true mental illness to keep from taking responsibility for my life. God opened my eyes to this and gave me the strength and wisdom to stop this manipulative behavior. As time went on He healed the illness itself-I don't think I would have experienced the healing if I had not faced the sin in my life. Recently God put an assignment in my lap and I have kept trying to backpedal about why I "can't" do it. I have finally submitted to Him and so far amazing things are happening. It is so easy to hide behind our fears, insecurities, etc., and fail to be all God wants us to be. Praise God, that He is opening your eyes. I will pray for you as you move forward facing these things headon and I ask that you pray for me also.
Love you, Sarah.
Sarah Dear,
Again your honest words allow others to "go second" and give us a safe place to ask questions that we maybe haven't asked ourselves.
My first thought is that I hide behind busyness. "I would love to, but I just don't have time". It is easy to do at work, in ministry, in relationships and most importantly, time with God. It can allow some of the awkward conversations or hard relationships or items to slip away without acting rude. In reality, I don't think I will ever have more time in my life. I do try to fill that time with worthwhile items, but that seems to defeat the purpose if I busy myself with worthwhile things while ignoring important things.
I also think I hide behind confident, logical banter to hide the fact that I am a sensitive person who is full of emotion. That often is necessary at work, but it slips into other areas of life, such as pray requests, family life and community life. The backfiring of that has been showing it's ugly head while dating because I am not used to processing my true feelings with others and I realize I am emotionally very immature in this area.
I really admire you. You take hard risks in life and are honest about the difficulties in the process. Let me know when some more girl time can seap into your schedule :)
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