The New Normal

When I started law school in August I thought that I would be giving up my life for a season and then things would go back to normal. I've learned over these past two weeks, as I've tried to grasp "normal" again since my first year of law school has been completed, that there is no going back. When I changed the structure of my life to incorporate the mad journey of continuing education and changing careers I passed an invisible point of no return and have to now adjust to a new normal.

What does this new normal look like you ask? There are the long hours in coffee shops, the protein bars for dinner during the week, getting excited about cleaning my house and doing laundry in rare times of not studying or avoiding studying, and seeing friends a few times each year instead of a few times each week or month, but the new normal also looks like spending more time with my family. Not only because I succumbed to realizing that I desperately need their love and support, but because they need mine too. Law school has changed me into someone who is weak and even occasionally needy and I have become more sensitive to the weaknesses and needs of others, specifically those of my family. As cheesy as it sounds, I have more love for my family now than ever before and truly desire to be involved and care for them. I have no control over the painful circumstances that seem to relentlessly follow my family, but I can control my love for them. Even though my sweet friends are so precious to me and have lifted me up and encouraged me, for the first time I have been choosing to spend time with family instead of my friends.

The new normal also has brought me to a place of re-identification. Many times I feel like a puzzle piece that has been separated from it's puzzle and the picture I'm trying to connect with doesn't quite fit. As a social worker, a law student, a friend, a church member, and a Project Duncanville leader, many times I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I guess I keep trying to fit everything in my life into a box that looks like the old normal and when things don't fit the way they used to, I feel like I don't fit in my own life. When you physically move to a new place and start all over it's easier for the mind to grieve the old and begin something new. But when you are in the same place with the same people, starting over feels awkward and painful, almost like fasting at a feast. I'm in an uncomfortable place of figuring out who I am (again), apart from all the things I used to identify myself by.

While extremely uncomfortable and even depressing, this process is good for me. As God continues to chip away at me with His wide variety of divine tools, I am constantly reminded that as I identify myself as a daughter of God and a friend of Jesus, it will be easier to stop grieving over worldly associations that won't last past my short lifetime. Although so hard for me to see, as God has been stripping me of things I have held tightly to, like spending time with friends, serving my church, and protecting my pride, He has left me with the precious gift of His Presence. As my Momu told me last week, even though I'm glad to be in God's school of life, I am ready for this particular course to be over and hope that I don't forget the lesson.